The fall semester began today.  However being a distance ed student, I have little of the excitement, or anxiety that comes with the first day of school.  I loved campus life.  I was involved in so many different groups, activities, a couple of odd jobs as well.  It is something I am thankful for, I had my turn and now I get to focus on my family, and my classes from home. For now anyway.

My daughter's birth inspired a lot of change in me.  That was the purpose of this blog.. to document those changes.  Well, she has inspired further change.  I am switching my educational focus to nursing. this is going to be a huge challenge for me.  Here is the main reason:

I hate blood..gore and well bodily fluids
    - I will say that when i was givign birth I was able to get past is. and recently at a blood draw I actually watched my blood being drawn, the needle go in and everything. all while baby-wearing.  I was a bit nervous that little hands would think it was fun to grab at the needle or the tubing, but Emily-Victoria was really good.  I am also trying to slowly expose myself to things that generally made me light headed or squeamish as well.  So far so good.  My fear of needles and blood though comes from when I was 8.  I had a particularly bad asthma attack, I stopped breathing for a bit there were ropes of mucus, and I was just a sick puppy.  Because I was so sick, ie dehydrated they had a hard time getting a vein, and botched the job royally.  They ended up poking an iv tube in me and pumping my fist to get the blood.  I am not sure what idiot was allowed to do that, but it happened and I still remember it.

However, I have a huge reason to want to pursue this.  I had an incredible pregnancy and birth.  don't get me wrong, my morning sickness was ridiculous.  Gaining weight was next to impossible and I was throwing up so much that dehydration was a constant for me. but, once I got passed that..well ok no pregnancy sucked.. but it was still very worth it.  I fully believe that the pain we go through to gestate a human life is so incredible and prepares us for when they are here.  You carried this person for so long, through sweat and tears and nasuea and jeans that fit just yesterday but not today that you have to love them.  if you didn't why did you go through all of that?  We harmonize the outcomes with the experiences and remember it as a beautiful beautiful thing, if we dont look too close.

Birth though. MAN, that was incredible.. I am a warrior. let me repeat that, I AM A FRICKEN WARRIOR.  and because I am a warrior, and I know you are too, I want to learn to help you bring your baby into this world, with compassion and understanding and help you to trust yourself and your body.  I want to become a Certified Nurse Midwife.

I have a couple of classes to take, and a nursing entrance exam to take and then it is on, and I am back on campus with the thrill and exhilaration of being a full time student, once more.  Until then, I will savor each beautiful moment with my inspiration.  Watching her giggle and sit up to do her twisty twisty cute dance is the funnest thing ever!!

Exams, Valentines, and looking forward

                          The results from the first exam are in and I got a B!!  So much better that I thought I did and it fills me with confidence.  I worked out a rough study/homework schedule that seems to working well.  In a three day rotation I work the text book problems first, on the second day I do my web homework, and on the third day I do the quiz.   The text book problems are extra and not part of the assigned work but I am finding I process the rules and formulas a bit better this way.

                  Baby and I took the bus into town and I took the bus in and visited classmates this week also.  I think she enjoyed the ride and was very curious about everything.  After a while her curiosity gave way the gentle rhythm of the bus in motion and then sleep.  The best part of the visit was getting to see Auntie Clara. Auntie loves babies and is such a kind woman!!


          In other news we celebrated valentines three days in a row.  Emily-Victoria sat at the table like a big girl and wondered when she too would get to eat.    Amory and I decided  that it was time to purchase a Silhouette Cameo paper cutter. With it he made some beautiful butterflies for me as well as gave Baby her first tattoo.






                                                                                                                           

Lastly I leave you with a proof that this is my daughter.  See the pure badass just like mama pose?  Either that or how do I explain the fact that she is already borrowing my clothes?

                      This is my daughter,  Emily-Victoria.  Adorable isn't she?  She was born on October 6th, 2011, at 1:04pm. She is more beautiful than I could have dreamed, and I also want her to be motivated to face her challenges.  In order for that to happen, I must face mine.  The first of those was to conquer my fear of pain and birth her naturally.   This wasn't to show anyone else up or to say one method of birth is better than another.  It was that it was the goal I set and wanted to accomplish and having done that I feel very proud to have done so.  I intend to follow suit with any further births I may have.

                   However, my biggest challenge will be getting my education, and becoming the woman I want my daughter to be proud of.  I am 28 years old, and while I graduated from high school I did so with a 2.8 GPA.  This wasn't because I was dumb, it was because I was lazy and careless.  Whenever something became too hard or lost its initial glitter and shine I was over it.  Race, race, race and become superficially good at something until it required effort to be better.  The area this hurt me the most is math.

                As I said, I am 28 years old and I am now working on my AA degree.  My ultimate goal is to get my MA or my PhD in Clinical psychology.   I need to do this for myself because it is long over due, but also for that little girl you see above.

               Currently I am on quest to improve my math.  I have roughly 8 classes ahead of me, including the one I am in now.  I am taking one class at a time until I get a schedule and my daughter is in preschool.  I am also doing this through distance education.  The end result is 3 solid years of math and nothing else.  I want to love math when this is over.   Sort of a stockholm syndrome towards the subject?

              I want her to watch me walk for my diploma, and know that her Mama may have created the mess she is in, but worked to get out of it.  I want her to not only hear that perseverance pays off, but to see it in practice.  Most of all I want her to realize that the sweetest things in life take working for.  So I will be documenting my frustrations, my progress, and my triumphs on here to show her someday.  Please share with me your own struggles you have worked towards and succeeded in!